Friday, March 02, 2007

Brown Trout for Governor

"I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough."

~Clarie Sargent, Arizona senatorial candidate

The Steelhead is the state fish of Washington. I bet many people don't realize this.

The Steelhead, pound for pound, is about the hardest fighting salmonid you can fish for in the Northwest freshwater system. Its a beautifully evolved hunting machine and when you are fortunate enough that one of these beautiful creatures graces you with its hard earned life, fought for over eons, they are pretty tasty.

I bet most people also don't realize that the state gem is Petrified Wood. Wait a minute, does that COUNT as a GEM, really? I mean, come on! I bring home a small white box for my wife. She opens it, expectantly, and then shreiks in horror. I ask her whats wrong and she holds up something that looks like a string of marbles. "Isnt it a beauty?" I tell her, quite proud of myself. "Its a Petrified Wood Tennis Bracelet, sugar dumpling!"

See, this just doesn't work. Petrified wood as our state gem? Why not petrified avian guano? Were all the good gems taken before we had a chance to pick? Idaho is "The Gem State" and I bet they have a sweet state gem. Its the "Star Garnet" which you can ONLY find in Idaho and India. Thats pretty amazing. The only other thing you find in Idaho and no where else is a Libertarian who actually collects more than 1% of the vote.

Washington? We preserve trees and bad governors for so long that they become rocks. Not that I don't think our waffling governor de jeur is so bad, but she is about as consistant as tapioca pudding. But I digress. Petrified wood is the topic, and its our state GEM. We collect this stuff in Washington, I guess. Then we apparently convinced someone that this is rare and valuable. Heck, there is a WHOLE FOREST of petrified trees somewhere in the southwest, I wonder if they are as proud of their collection as we are here in the Evergreen State.

While we are dumping on Washington I think we need a new State Song. No offense or disrespect to good ol' Woodie Guthrie--and maybe just having a state song written by a guy whose name is Woodie is enough reason to keep it--but, well, I don't know that it exemplifies the spirit I like to think about characterizing this state. I was thinking something more along the lines of "Burn One Down" by Ben Harper. Or better yet, to stay native to Washington, "Voodoo Chile" by Jimi Hendrix. Then again it might be better to satisfy the angry youth in our state by selecting a more well known, recent, local artist like Nirvana. We could be the first state with a State Music Video, and definitely the first that has won awards. The first state whose state song was written by a guy that has sold more albums dead than alive, altogether within the same 20 year span.

Not that I don't love my state; its really fun to sit on the computer and get good and frustrated as the ultra liberals of Western Washington clash with the scared liberals in Olympia. The scared liberals of our state government, I am convinced, are just a stones throw shy of being conservative. Its all a gradient and relative. In Utah, the most liberal liberal is still more conservative than our most conservative conservative. Did you get that? Heck, its all the same bullshit. The conservatives and liberals are so similar that its hard to tell who I am insulting anymore. So I insult everyone.

And then we have cookies.