Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Hocus Pocus, hard to Focus

"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important."

~Bertrand Russell

Sitting here at my desk, where I have sat with my back at the entrance to the lab for 4 years. Sitting next to the door with the traffic of busy scientists scurrying about, the sounds of conversations and lunch time laughter just outside, the familiar jingle of the bosses' keys as he prepares to make his rounds.

Sitting here staring at my own writing. Getting little accomplished.

Its hard to focus on this now. Its getting to be very hard to maintain the level of integration an enthusiasm I need to finish all of this. I have been studying the same thing extremely hard for several years, and I think its safe to say I need a change. I am feeling burned out.

"Keep the larger, long term goal in your mind," someone said to me. "Remember this is the only way you get out!"
Yeah, yeah. Blah blah blah. I know all that. Right now, though, I am to the point of hearing my inner voice, that little person living inside of me always driving me to meet some impossible, unachievable expectation, now saying "Looks good enough. Pack it in."

And its hard. Its a tug-of-war inside of me; one hand knowing I can do better, the othe hand knowing it really doesn't matter and I am so damned sick of seeing it, why do I bother?

And on it goes. Another day to fight the urge to "pack it in." Another day in the ever growing saga.

1 comment:

Steve Moss said...

But you won't 'pack it in'...
But, the next time your inner voice starts betraying you, listen closely. It just might be saying, "call your dad and go fishing"...