Friday, July 31, 2009

Life is a blues scale.

"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?"

~Satchel Paige

One day, not so different from any other day, you wake up.

Knees are stiff.

Eyes are out of focus.

Back is achy.

It just hurts to be awake.

I think to myself; is THIS how life is going to go from here on out? Wasn't it just a few years ago I could handle just about anything and wake up feeling terrific?

Aging is not easy. And it's funny; we don't really think about aging until we feel it inside ourselves. It makes me wonder about people my grandparents age. The perspectives and the history and experience all conspire in different ways for different people. The aches and pains and difficulties could certainly and for good reason slow you down to the point of not wanting to move, surely. And few would begrudge you that at 85 and older, it might just be that way and it's ok. Society seems to accept it.

Then there are some people who as long as they can move are making the most out of their time; traveling, enjoying their lives. That is what I want to be. Or I don't want to be alive.

I feel like in the last 5 years I have aged so many more years than that. I don't enjoy as much as I used to, in general. I find myself being more negative. I am angry, virtually all of the time, angry. I feel overwhelmed. Tired. Beaten. I loathe going to the lab every day.

How can I be ok with what mediocre results I have when those before me made so much of what I look forward to possible out of sheer hard work, determination, and stamina through difficult times? Am I just weak and undeserving?

How can you possibly enjoy aging when it feels so awful to wake up and look at yourself in the mirror and be so utterly disappointed and unsatisfied with what is looking back at you?

One morning at a time, I suppose.


Rosalind said...

For me the trade-off is that when I look in the mirror I see beyond the aches and pains (most days, not all!) to the person that, despite all the imperfections, is valued for the efforts and results of hard work towards adding to the quality of life for others. Somehow, that helps light a fire under me to keep on focusing on and developing work/play goals, and as I get older, to keep people I love front and center as my priorities. (Gads, that sounds kind of pompous in writing, but hopefully you know me enough to know it's meant in a basic/gut-level way.) Thanks for making me think about this. :) Roz

Anonymous said...

Yep, I'm here to say, "listen to me! I've got a solution!!" Yeah! Me! I know it's hard to believe, but listen up...
Aaron, you should know by now that not only do you put an awful lot of pressure on yourself (family histrionics), but you also sometimes fail to see on the brighter side. Dude, you are SO loved by all those you hold close!! They are extremely happy just knowing you are in their lives!! I speak not only for myself, but for everyone I know.
You are a damned good guy, despite what occasionally wake up thinking.
And I'm proud of you, no mater what.

Aaron said...

Oh, I didnt really write that with any regard to what other people think, it was more or less introspective. Ultimately, if you dont see the good in yourself, it doesnt matter what anyone else sees.

Anonymous said...

So true. And seeing the good in yourself maybe makes the aches and such less of a burden.
Introspection is a good thing sometimes ~ in limited doses keeps things in perspective. Anyway, you truly are a very special person and I couldn't think of a more perfect guy for your girl and your work, either. (Roz)